Happy Sunday! My new goal for this week is a common one for me, but one I’m struggling with big time:
5 frozen mochas/week
I thought I would be down to 6 this week, but turns out I was actually able to skip one day last week, so I’m down to 5—not 6—this week. These stupid drinks. They won’t let me go, and I can’t escape them. Mentally, I use them as a reward for…well…everything. Did I have a successful week of work? Frappucino. Did I teach well today? Frozen mocha. Do I have a long distance to travel? Frappucino. Did I wake up and get something done this morning? Frozen mocha. Is it Monday? I need a frappucino. Did I wake up? Frozen mocha.
Physically, I feel like I’ve trained my body to feel drained of energy if I don’t have one. On the day last week that I didn’t have one, I was too busy in the morning to grab one, but keeping myself busy was key. I didn’t feel drained of energy, but was active all morning. Imagine that…active without my morning gallon of sugar/caffeine? Couldn’t be.
Sometimes, I can even get emotional over these drinks. My dad tries to help, but I will get emotional, getting a little teary-eyed if he says no. I then explain to him just how much I need these drinks.
I’ve been getting these drinks for well over a decade, and I’m sick of feeling dependent on them. Hopefully, holding myself more accountable by being more social and open about my daily life will force me to completely cut my dependence on these.
I plan on being more active on this blog, I really do.
My new schedule is as follows:
Sunday--new goal, once/month update on first Sunday
Monday--Music Monday
Wednesday--Weigh-in Wednesday
Friday--Foodie Friday
This year is all about me. And I know I've said that before, but it really is time. 2019 began as what I thought would be a year to focus on my health, but turned into me putting myself on the back burner, ignoring my health (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), and giving more of myself to others than to me. I went through many emotional breakdowns, my anxiety/panic attacks have returned, and I'm angry.
Angry at losing my mom, angry at where I am in life, angry that my dreams can't come true. Angry that a few in my life don't see my dreams and goals as valid and instead shut me down.
But mostly, angry at myself. Angry that even at 29 years old, I don't care enough for myself to say, "I have to take some time for ME." Angry that I still blame myself for my mother's passing. Angry at everything I've messed up in my life.
This year has to be different. I'm turning 30 (YIKES), and I have to get my life in order. I need to keep living. I need to fight for myself. There's no more, "Oh, I can put it off for a while." My health has taken such a negative turn that there is no more waiting available.
I'll start off this blog schedule Sunday. Until then, I'm going to go jam to Lizzo. Tata.
I had wanted to post this Sunday morning, but I didn't sleep well and was driving for 3+ hours to visit friends for New Year, so I haven't gotten a chance to post until today, but this is an exciting one!
Happy New Year, y’all!
Last week, I wrote a post about how these stupid frozen drinks have a mental/emotional hold on me.
Fast forward 7 days and guess what?!?!?!
I DID IT!!
I FINALLY had ONE DRINK this week! That’s it!
I’ll be completely honest…everyday was a struggle. Whether it was walking by a Starbucks in the grocery store thinking, “I need a peppermint mocha frappucino” or going to a bagel shop that was close to our local Panera and thinking, “I’ll just go afterwards to Panera for a frozen mocha…”
I had more hot chocolates this week to cover for it (2), and I know those aren’t really “healthy”, but the sugar/cal count vs. the frozen drinks completely makes up for it (at least in my mind). I also actually drank some water during the days, too—which is another goal I will be working on soon.
It feels so good, and I’ve already noticed a difference!
I’m not talking in terms of weight, inches, or even large physical differences; think…smaller.
I had the frozen drink Monday morning, and usually by Wednesday, I would have had one, then another Thursday-Saturday. I DIDN’T do that and randomly looked down at my legs Thursday morning.
**NOTE: Let me make this absolutely clear. I hate my legs with a burning passion. I hate looking at them, I hate knowing they’re there, I detest these ugly, misshapen blobs that make me move. I never moisturize them because, to be honest, I wish they’d just fall off. **
For some reason after getting ready Thursday morning, I looked down at those gross things attached to my body and instantly noticed a small difference. My legs (mostly ankles/calf part of the leg) are always swollen because of my weight, and over the years, I’ve gotten used to it but haven’t let it deter me. When I looked down, I looked at my calves, looked up in surprise, and looked back down.
My calves didn’t look as swollen as they usually do. I looked a total of 3 times to make sure I wasn’t just being extra hopeful. But no, each time proved what I had originally seen. My swollen legs were finally starting to slowly return to a more normal leg shape.
Another new "feeling": my pants are getting big in the back. I am down about half a pant size in "comfy" pants (these are just black pants with an elastic waistband). I used to be a 4X, but they are getting really big in the back and keep falling down, so I am down to a 3X with a little snugness in the front.
So, yeah, lesson learned: taking care of yourself makes you feel GOOD.
New goal?!?!?!!? Finally?!?!?! YES.
Since my previous goal was more of a dietary change, this week, I’m adding in a little exercise.
Goal of the week 12/31/17-1/6/18:
get to gym 1 day/wk
You might think…1 day this week? That’s all? Well, here’s the deal: I know. I think about it everyday. I’m taking ridiculously small baby steps that shouldn’t really account for anything. But here’s why I’m doing what I’m doing.
I have talked to many doctors about weight loss. While I haven’t told them that I write about my experience traveling through this, I have talked about nearly EVERY aspect of my weight loss journey with them. I’m not shy when it comes to questions. I’ve learned over the years (especially recently) that asking questions, no matter how embarrassing, stupid, or repetitive they are, is the best way for me to get the most out of each doctor visit. So, yes, I’ve talked to professionals who know what they’re doing. The doctors I visit are:
General Practitioner
OB-GYN
Diabetes Management Specialist
Cardiologist
4 separate doctors, all who have discussed how to go about losing weight. All of them agree—starting small is best.
So, yes, one workout this week, along with one frozen drink this week. Doesn’t seem like much, but one is better than nothing!
Holy moly, guys. I haven't blogged in 6 months. Why? Um....crazy busy schedules, 3 concerts in 2 days, 4 church services in 1 day, etc...and on top of all that, I couldn't get my blog to load...I couldn't get to the page I needed to post an actual blog! My computer just kept refreshing it quickly, but would never actually get the full page up so I could write a blog post. I don't know what's going on, but for some reason I was able to get around that and write this post. I'll keep trying to stop this problem. It's a new week, and so much has happened in the past 6 months that I WANT to update you with everything right now here in this post, but there's just so much. So, I will say this:
I did another musical!
I am slowly getting back into subbing!
I celebrated Mom's first anniversary of her passing!
I made plans to see friends! (p.s.: see you in less than a week, friends!)
I had 3 concerts in 2 days, but for one concert, I got to sit back and enjoy
I got sick (that's now)
I had a big health scare and am still struggling big-time with it
I think that about sums it up...I will go into detail in more blogs. So, new week, lots of new going-ons...lots of emotions on Mom's favorite holiday...LOTS OF STRESS...mostly unnecessary, some brought on by myself, most brought on by outside forces... It's a new week, and I have a recurring goal that I've been working on for many, MANY years. This one is pretty old (and EXTREMELY repetitive), but since I haven’t truly accomplished it yet, I’m sticking with it until I do.
1 frozen coffee drink
I just can’t seem to shake these dang frozen coffee drinks (frozen mochas, frappucinos). They are so good, and I have treated them as a reward for so long (years) that going without them almost feels like I’m punishing myself. Some mental blocks I'm discovering I have:
—I can’t go to Panera without almost ALWAYS getting a frozen mocha.
—I’ve only gone to a Starbucks and gotten a hot chocolate (or other NON-frozen coffee drink) only ONCE in the past few years…every other time, it’s a frozen coffee drink.
—When I know I can’t have a frozen coffee drink, I force myself to not leave the house…physically. I just sit there in the morning, waiting until at least 11, when I can go get a pop…
…..so…..see the problem? I’m having a really tough time mentally and emotionally getting rid of these hankerings.
But, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, right?
I had mine yesterday, so my next one won't be until next Sunday (I start my weeks on Sundays, and get one on the way to church when I go early to practice).
Also, I like giving a music/motivation Monday update...just music I like listening to, and a motivational quote to get me through the week!
Music: Um, it's the day after Christmas, but I DON'T CARE. I LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH I WANT IT EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR! AND....right on cue, a snow plow goes by.
One of my favorite Christmas songs, for the music AND the lyrics: Stevie Wonder's "What Christmas Means to Me"
On Mondays, I like to put up a motivating quote and music I like to listen to.
However, my music library, especially for my workout playlists, is super old, and I don't really listen to it anymore. My poor iPod sits in my desk drawer because I never listen to the music on it anymore!
Let's get to it.
Motivation:
~Today will never come again. Be a blessing. Be a friend. Encourage someone. Take time to care. Let your words heal, and not wound.~
Music:
.....um.....any suggestions? Preferably for workout playlists?
I also thought I would put a quote about grief here, as sometimes, it's hard for me to explain how I'm feeling about losing my mom...
~A part of me is gone forever. A part of you will live forever inside of me.~
It's New Goal Sunday, and my new goal is…well…finally new!
I think I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY have this frozen coffee drink obsession under control. I’ve been struggling big time with this. Frozen coffee drinks (frappucinos, frozen mochas, etc…) are some of my “comfort foods” but these (and pop) are my biggest downfall for weight loss. After my mom passed, I would have one every day. As the months went on, I tried to cut back on them, but would always create an excuse every morning to drink one anyways. Here’s an example:
Sunday: I get one every Sunday…that’s my choice. I take it while I practice at church.
Monday: Okay, I don’t need one today. Although, it’s Monday…and I hate Mondays…so I’ll get one.
Tuesday: You know, I didn’t sleep well last night. Maybe a caffeine jolt would help me…time for a frozen coffee drink.
Wednesday: I’ve got to substitute teach today…I will DEFINITELY need a frozen drink.
Thursday: Maybe today I actually won’t get one (and I usually don’t).
Friday: I made it through the week and it’s Friday! I’m getting one!
Saturday: I’m going to go to church and practice…I’ll need one of those.
See what I mean? I could make up any excuse, and my poor willpower would vanish in a second.
But now I think I FINALLY have it under control. I go on Sundays and that’s it.
So, the NEW part of my goal is to get to the gym one time this week to do some cardio, which will most likely be the treadmill. If you’ve never seen me on the elliptical…well, it's bad. Let’s just say, I tried it once, and sweated my butt off until sweat was dripping off my nose and face. All I could think was, “You go, girl! Way to get a nice, long, cardio workout!” I looked down at the machine…5 MINUTES. That was it. It was so embarrassing…
This song came on the "70s on 7" radio station in my car. "70s on 7" was Mom's favorite station. When she was alive, and I would be driving alone, I would sometimes turn on that channel, just to remind me of her. We listened to the 70s station almost all the way to Chicago on our most recent road trip, and always listened to it on the way down to Cincinnati for our mom and daughter road trips. She would sing along with almost every song and dance to it.
A week ago, I turned on the station for the first time since Mom passed, and this song came on:
It was perfect that it was a rainy day, but it wasn't a Monday. The Carpenters were one of Mom's favorites. She knew the words to almost all of their songs, and had their music at home. Oddly enough, I think her favorite CD of theirs was their Christmas CD. It's such a classic in our house that the case is falling apart, and the inside pamphlet is missing.
I cried all the way home listening to it. I got home, sat in our driveway, and cried.
I cry a lot now. A lot more than I ever have. I surprise myself daily with just how many tears I can produce, even after days of crying.
I became curious recently and looked up the stages of grief. I saw that many articles were not about the stages themselves, but more that they were fictitious, and that the "creator" of them didn't mean for everyone to take them so literally. But I have to disagree.
The stages of grief are very real. I know. I'm experiencing them right now. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are all a part of my daily life.
In my previous post, I talked about the immediate emotions I had after the doctor told us the news. What I didn't discuss was what happened as the doctor came into the room.
The doctor walked into the room and sat opposite my dad. I sat on my dad's left, and Brother on Dad's right. When the doctor sat, he sighed. My instant reaction: ok. prepare for the worst. "we got her, but it's not good. she'll be a vegetable" (Mom NEVER wanted that--she was too social/active). The nurse, who had been with us from the beginning of the morning, and was so kind and instantly loved Mom as a patient, came in with tears streaming down her face. My second reaction: That's kind of weird. I've never seen nurses cry before over a patient. ER nurses have probably seen the worst. Unless she...
I swiftly covered my ears and loudly said, "No. No I don't want to hear it. Please. Don't say it. I can't. I just can't deal with it. No!" The doctor waited patiently for me, and then broke the news.
Denial. In its ugliest form. I look back at that and feel so sorry for the doctor, who had a grown adult woman screaming in his ear.
Anger. I am still in that stage. Everyday, I talk to God. No, I'm sorry...I don't talk to God. I yell at him. I spew out harsh words in my head, all aimed right at Him.
Why would you do this?
What the he** is wrong with you?
Is killing people something you like to do?
Do you enjoy seeing me cry so much? Seeing me so broken?
Every time one of Dad's siblings died, I saw a piece of his heart break. Now, his father dies, and a larger piece of his heart breaks. Granddad was so important to Dad. Then, you kill his wife. His soul mate. Now his heart is completely shattered. Do you enjoy this, God? Are you happy? Does this make you feel good, like you're in charge, and people better not forget it? So you'll show us by killing off our family members?
Does it feel good, pushing already religious people to the brink, to where they wish they could be dead so they could be with their loved ones?
He never answers. And He never will, until I get up there. I had a terrible dream where I reached Heaven, and I was walking with God to the pearly gates, and I finally said, "Why?" His response: *shrugs* "I don't know..." *facepalm*
Depression. Hard to get to or out of that stage, especially when you have already been diagnosed with depression and are taking medications for it...
Bargaining. I have sort of gone through this, and sort of not. I don't bargain for Mom's life. I know she's not coming back. I do wish I would have passed instead of her, as she had her whole retirement and golden years ahead of her to spend with Dad. I know Dad goes through this daily: "Maybe if I had been more affectionate or loving, God would have spared her." It hurts because I want to help him, but I'm angry with God, so my only response is, "God doesn't care anymore. He does whatever He wants, and doesn't care of the consequences." And then Dad is more depressed.
Acceptance. I refuse it. I REFUSE to accept her death right now. She was young, compassionate, extremely intelligent, funny, loving, warm, gracious, and above all, lived a religious life with HUMILITY. One of the most recent Bible readings was about an "eye for an eye". The passage states that if any should strike you on the right cheek, turn and present the other, or don't let someone goad you into an event that could become evil in nature. Mom was a living example of that--people talked bad about her (and to her) all the time. I know. I have heard much of it. And do you know what Mom did? She told me that it was more important to just let others talk and to not argue or fight with them because that would accomplish nothing and make both involved have a bad day. She didn't like holding grudges, because "...why hold grudges with others when I am so happy being with my family?"
So why does God think it's ok to take someone who follows in Jesus' path?
Anger. So much anger. And I apologize for this post being mostly anger, but it's just the way I feel now.
Wow. I have not written on here in a long time...and I know I've said that before, and, heck--I may even say it again. I haven't written since the beginning of the year because, to be honest, it's been a whirlwind of a year. So far, I have done 3 musicals, which would SEEM low since last year I did 6 (?). However, I have decided to take a break from musicals for reasons that will be explained later in this post.
All year, my grandfather (Dad's dad) has been in and out of the hospital, sick with all kinds of problems. On Palm Sunday (near mid-March), his heart dropped to 10 bpm, but hospital staff were able to take care of him. All summer, he was in and out of the hospital, and finally, on August 28th, he passed peacefully in his home surrounded by immediate family.
Sad. So sad. My dad lost his father. And even though I can't imagine losing my father (especially now...details later), my Granddad was ready to go (at 95 and having a low quality of life, wouldn't you be ready?). Now, my family takes care of my Nana (93), visiting her nearly everyday, getting anything she needs, and helping her around the house.
I have always been and always will be so grateful for having known a perfect role model of a gentleman for 26 years. Many people don't get nearly that many good-quality years to spend with grandparents. Our family was truly blessed to have him and my Nana around for so long.
While my Dad copes with losing his father, my mom has been helping my Nana out as much as possible. But then...and here's where I will explain everything I said would earlier.
I hate typing this...just thought I would let you know.
Preface:
My mom was diagnosed very recently with "atrial fibrillation", a.k.a. palpitations of the heart that are rapid and irregular. When she asked the doctors if it would be a serious problem, she was told that no, it would not be serious, and that she would just need to listen to her heart, and relax with deep breaths when it started racing.
So, every few weeks, or even months, my mom would sit in her chair in the den, close her eyes, and breathe calmly in and out. Then we knew she was having a moment of "a fib".
Back to now:
On September 9, Mom and I were sleeping in the den, she in her chair and I on the couch (thanks, sinus gunk). I awoke at 3:35 to Mom getting extremely sick in the bathroom (she never gets physically sick...it just doesn't happen). I sit up and ask her if she's OK. She responds that something's wrong and she's been up sick for an hour and can't stop getting sick. She tells me to go back to sleep, so I do for 2 minutes. After 2 minutes, I wake up again and she's sick again. She says the chills are coming on and she has a headache. She sits under the blanket, but has to go to the bathroom again. Finally, we both move out to the kitchen, where she lastly says, "I've got the chills, headache, upset stomach... (Uh-oh! I think...Dad was sick last night after eating something...food poisoning?!)...and I just have this tightness in my chest." My chest goes tight.
I get Mom to the ER by 4:30.
What was Mom's concern in the er?
"Mom, stop. We've cancelled all your subbing days. We've got you covered, Mom. We've got you."
Work. That was her big concern.
Finally, around 7 AM, the doctor updates us.
"We did all we could, CPR for 30 minutes straight. Her heart completely stopped. We couldn't save her. I am so sorry."
My heart drops, my stomach clenches, I start seeing spots. Brother and Dad scream, I scream. We sit there wrenching out sobs while the doctor waits. I sit there numb with shock. We are told 15 minutes later we can go in to say good-bye. We walk in and say our separate good-byes. I open the curtain and have to say good-bye to my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, my #1 fan, my Mother, my Mom, my Mommy. My Momma.
How. How do I do this? How do I sum up a lifetime of regrets? Of love? Of sadness? Of happiness? Of anger? Of memories? I stroke her cheek, tell her that I'm so sorry I couldn't save her, that I love her, and that I know she knows that. I just keep repeating...I love you Momma. I love you Momma. I love you. Please come back. Don't leave me.
This wouldn't be so hard if Mom and I hadn't become so close, especially in the last month. I had taken her on a Mom/daughter road trip to Chicago, where we had connected over some wonderful talks about how much we loved and admired each other.
......I just don't know what else to say. I guess that's it. I'll leave it with some quotes that sum up how I feel:
Happy New Year!! Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season. Mine was...good...not great, but good. My family was SO busy up until Christmas Eve that, at least in my opinion, we couldn't enjoy the holidays like we normally do.
Christmas is such a special time of the year for me, and no, it's not because we get free gifts and eat tons of cookies. The Christmas season is my FAVORITE season of the year. In my mind, nothing compares to it. It seems like everyone is happier during the Christmas season. Carolers sing carols, people are kinder to one another, and the world's biggest problems appear to drift away while we celebrate "the most wonderful time of the year". And yes, the cookies help, as do the presents, family time, decorations, and songs (almost half of my music library is Christmas music). But mostly, it's the spirit of the season that makes me enjoy it so much.
This year, though, was different. Yes, I felt happy during the Christmas season, but I was busy with show rehearsals at night, and trying to clean the house/bake cookies/get out decorations during the day, that when the show ended on the 20th, I booked it like crazy to try to get Christmas "up" in our house in 4 days for company on Christmas Eve, but it was impossible. And the ONE room in the entire house that I LOVED decorating, where some of my favorite decorations go--MY room--couldn't even get decorated until after Christmas because I focused my attention on our common rooms downstairs. So, unfortunately, I didn't get into the spirit of the season as much as I like to.
However, I did get some really nice presents, including the first season of "The Office", a new book, a new healthy cookbook, and a new regular size Tarte mascara (I was using a sample size but told my mom I was using it sparingly because I couldn't afford it ("drugstore brand" makeup is usually what I buy), so she bought the mascara full-size!
With a new year comes new goals, and here are my goals for the week:
It's New Goal Sunday, and today is a new day just like any other. I've found as I go through this journey that I have trouble focusing on one day at a time. For example, it's only Sunday, and I'm already thinking about my whole week...what I'll eat, when, where, if I will have the money to go out if necessary, etc... That is a large problem I am currently working on. I actually have written on my goal board (beneath my goal) "Take it one day at a time--you can do this!"
HOWEVER (there's always two sides, isn't there?), as a musician, I feel that I cannot and do not have this luxury of taking life one day at a time. This year has been extremely busy for me, with 6 musicals year-round, church (including church choir and soloists for the big 150th anniversary celebration), a new accompanying gig, and long-term subbing. For me to think one day at a time is impossible. This past spring, I was asked by a dear friend if I would be available all summer to play in multiple musicals. If I had only thought of one day at a time, my response most likely would have been, "Right now, I'm not sure. Let me get closer to summer and I'll let you know." Musicians in my hometown are in high demand, especially accompanists, so people book musicians as early in advance as possible. If I said "no" to everything until I got closer to the actual performance time, people would go searching for someone who WILL say yes when they need them. As a consequence, I constantly think long-term, meaning anywhere from tomorrow to one year down the road.
Now I'll move onto this week's goal. It's from my doctor, who is helping me take small steps to reach my (as she puts it, 'ridiculous') goals.
SWITCH TO ALL DIET POP.
I've been working on this particular goal for 5 months now, and I can't seem to break my habit of drinking regular pop (mostly Coke, but occasionally Pepsi). My doctor told me to pour out 40 teaspoons of sugar onto a piece of wax paper, take a picture, and put it somewhere where I will see it everyday as a reminder of what I was putting into my body daily when I drank multiple regular pops a day. That picture will be up here at the end of the week.
It's officially day 30-something of my 21 day new member challenge that I found on Sparkpeople. Clearly, I've lost track. It doesn't help when you're starting the challenge and all of a sudden, your computer craps out on you. I took it to an Apple store as soon as I could and found out it *WASN'T* my battery, like I thought (my screen does say "Service Battery" constantly, but my hard drive had to be "rebooted"? or "repaired"? You techies know better than I do. All I know is I waited a while, the guy "ran tests" on it, and handed it back saying it's fixed. So, I finished Day 5 of the challenge, and now I'm picking up on day 6.
I'm learning so much about myself each and every day. Like...I dread going to the gym, but once I'm there, I'm...ok...but when I leave, I am on an emotional high. No one can touch me (could be because I stink, too... :( ). Or...I eat GREAT breakfasts, but then I get hungry and either chow down at lunch big-time or devour unhealthy snacks like there's no tomorrow. (Can you say LACK OF willpower?) Or what about...how I have FINALLY gone over to the "dark side" and gone from drinking regular pop to diet pop (Diet Mountain Dew ONLY, blech Diet Pepsi/Coke), via doctor's orders. Or what about the fact that I HATE ALL NUTS. CASHEWS, PEANUTS, ALMONDS, PECANS, WALNUTS, PISTACHIO NUTS, BRAZILIAN NUTS, YOU NAME IT--I HATE 'EM ALL. But I LOVE cashew butter. Like, I really want a spoonful now. It's just so good.
These new things I've learned a just a sampling of all I'm learning about myself, and I am truly loving every minute of it! Hope to see/hear from you more, Sparkers/blog readers!
Yowza. Where on God's green acres did the time go?
The reason I am back here is because I have a LOT of changes happening in my life, and I wanted to share them here since I haven't done a good job of updating social media.
Last time you heard from me, I believe, was December of last year (2014), and I was doing...stuff....yeah...I'll be honest, I haven't looked at my blog since then.
OK, I'll start here: It's been over a year since my uncle died, and I can't believe it. This year has gone by so fast! I know Uncle is still here because, well, he won't leave us alone.
Signs that Uncle won't LEAVE US ALONE:
the rainbow that appeared in the sky 24 hours after he passed
when Father and I were wondering if he could hear us talking about him, I looked up at the clouds and visible in the sunroof of our car was one cloud--a heart
Uncle's stuff pops up everywhere, like the restaurant names he had come up with in notebooks I use when I'm teaching
On Brother's b-day, he showed up not just to me, but to Mother and Brother at the restaurant in Tremont we went to (this one deserves some explaining--I was in line at a cafeteria-style fancy restaurant when I looked to my left and there Uncle was, standing there, staring bug-eyed at the ENORMOUS amount of food at this restaurant. I heard him say, "Wassuuuuupp??" [one of his favorite catch-phrases] and then disappear. I couldn't believe it but knew I was struggling with grief and that it wasn't real. The family sat down at the table with dinner and Mother said, "Did anyone else feel or hear or see-?" Brother immediately answers "Yes. I saw him in line. He was laughing." I told my story, and Mother said the lady at the main dish line asked what she wanted, and she heard Uncle behind her say, "I'll take one of everything!" and then laugh. I knew then it had to be real.)
A dear friend of Uncle's left a solar Santa light at his gravesite. It lights up at night so Uncle never has to sleep in the dark. We took it home until next Christmas (this year!) and every night that it lights up, we know Uncle is here with us.
Beatles songs playing wherever we go, some normally in places that would never play Beatles songs. (Uncle was a MASSIVE Beatles fan--at the concert of '64 in Cleveland, he charged the stage with the rest of the audience and ALMOST touched John Lennon's BOOT).
So, yes, he is still here and won't go away, but I am totally A-okay with that.
Next. My jobS.
Wow. What a whirlwind summer. I'll back up to get you seeing what I was seeing before summer started. February-June was a long-term substitute teaching position at my elementary, middle, and high schools. I started my day at the "intermediate" building, teaching 2/3-5 graders general music (singing, moving, dancing, playing instruments, etc...). Then, I went to the middle school building to teach grade 7 band students. Finally, I ended my day at the high school teaching concert band (9-12 grade). Know right now that I am NOT a band person. Or at least, I didn't THINK I was. But somehow I managed to get through the year using all of the information I learned in college (including those seemingly endless resource guides that saved my butt quite often) and help from people on the web (Facebook friends/college colleagues) and YouTube videos. And personally, I think I did a darn good job walking into a sticky situation like I walked into. I made the best of it and truly enjoyed every minute of teaching every grade level.
In March, a colleague and dear friend of mine--who I had worked with on one musical last year (I was keyboard 2 in the pit)--asked if I would like to be involved in 2 musicals this summer, but this time as rehearsal accompanist instead of just playing in the pit. Heck yes!! Musicals are one of my FAVORITE things to do! I agreed. But wait...it gets better.
When the school year ended, I realized that the job(s) I had held teaching in multiple buildings were open (!), but unfortunately, they were only open to "internal applicants", and I was not one of those. OK....then, the high school choral director position opened up to anyone. *GASP* Perfect! I went for it and got an interview. I did my best and gave it my all at the interview, but did not get the job. I have to admit: I was heartbroken. After crying my eyes out for a few days, I was finally able to pick myself up. I got asked by a few people: Why are you so sad? It's just one job. Look for more! But here's the thing, people. I've been "looking for more" for the past 3 years, and it seems that every person out there deems me not worthy for a teaching job. I've applied to over 100 school jobs around Ohio, and still no one has even given me a chance. More than anything, I want a chance. Or at least I want to know when my chance will come, because I feel like there's got to be something great for me out there. I'm frustrated and tired of looking and tired of life. At this point.
The day after I found out I didn't get the job I interviewed for, work started picking up for me. I had the two musicals this summer, then I got booked for another musical for the fall and two other theaters asked for me for their fall musicals. I said no to the other two theatres (no time!) but accepted a job as accompanist for a third total musical.
Lost count? So far, I've played for 5 musicals in 2015. Phew!
My summer was "musical mania". I started at the first musical theatre company (a professional company made of up college age and just beyond actors and actresses who were either getting their musical theatre bachelors or masters degrees). I worked there nearly every weekday from 9-4/5 playing "West Side Story" music. Then, I drove home, grabbed dinner, and went to our local state theatre for musical number 2 rehearsal from 6:30-10 (community theatre), playing "Into the Woods". Then, on Sundays, I had rehearsal from 3-7 for musical number 2. What a busy summer, but I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I love performing--it's my true passion and what I originally wanted to do when I went to college. So, playing/performing everyday? Cool beans.
During the first musical rehearsals, I was asked to accompany (REHEARSALS ONLY) another musical at the same playhouse. YES!! "Footloose"!!! All AMAZING experiences!
After the final musical--and summer--ended, I looked back on my past few months and felt a sense of complete bliss and happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. I wanted that feeling to continue, and now, as of the end of September, it still has!
I went to a production meeting for my fall musical ("25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee") and found out I'm not just accompanying the show, I am the music director (hello "promotion")! I not only play the music, but now teach all of it! I sat in on auditions and gave my input on cast selection. Then, before I knew it, rehearsals started. This is a truly amazing learning experience as I view and experience the "behind the scenes" of musical theatre and see just how much work goes into a successful show. As I tell my parents, I am keeping my eyes--and mind--wide open and absorbing everything I can while I have these opportunities.
On top of that, I've been booked as music director (woot!) for another musical at the local community/professional theatre that did "Into the Woods" for their winter musical! And I might have another musical coming up in March of 2016!
Hold on, I gotta catch my breath. Oh, and did I mention that I will be going to my first meeting of a local piano guild?!?! AND I am now the accompanist for a local community chorus!!
OK, I think that's everything. For now. So, to say I'm unhappy with life is not possible. I am blissfully happy and don't want this feeling to end.
OK, ok, weight loss. Weight loss. That's what this blog is all about. Ok, umm...I got a new doctor who is very supportive. She has given me goals to work on, including switching to all-diet pop (I knew the day would come), eating out only 2x/wk, and walking 30 mins 3-4 times a week. I'm working on those now as well as others. So, since tomorrow will be New Goal Sunday, I thought I'd get a head start and post my goals today. Currently, I have four:
1.) Switch to all-diet pop. 2.) Get 8 hours of sleep daily. 3.) Track all food everyday (the doctor wants to see my food journal at my two-month check-up). 4.) Get in 2 morning workouts.
My two month check-up is in about 2 weeks--wish me luck!
Happy December! Things are going...meh...here. They could be worse, they could be better. Our house is in decorating/baking mode (busy busy!), but we're still managing subbing/other jobs/regular daily life. Sometimes I don't know how people do all of this around Christmas time. I'm going bonkers just thinking of my to-do list, but am definitely (working on) paring it down this year.
I have finally gotten my frozen drink consumption down to 1-2 a week, and am satisfied with that. Sometimes, I will have 2 a week, and I just have to accept that. If I try to be absolutely perfect with every goal, I will never be able to move on and better myself.
Lessons learned from slowing my consumption of frozen drinks:
#1: I can save a lot of money! $4.50/day x 7= $31.50/week x 4=$126/month x 12=$1,512/year. Hey, new Coach purse, come to momma!
#2: I can save a lot of calories! 400 cals/day x 7= 2,800 cals/week x 4=11,200 cals/month x 12=134,400 cals/year.
#3: I can save a lot of...pain. One drink every day=...root canal. This is what I get for downing WAY too much sugar (as my dentist said). And guess what? I get to have the root canal procedure on my brother's birthday! Happy birthday Brother! Ow.
NEW goal: Sure, I'll keep that goal of 1-2 drinks a week, but now I'm adding a new fitness goal:
~Get in 2 20-min cardio sessions~
I usually go to the gym once a week (although this week I did not). I am still learning Planet Fitness, and am in love with their abundance of cardio equipment (treadmills galore, ellipticals, recumbent and stationary bikes AND (my personal favorite) a machine that is similar to a Cybex Arc Trainer, but I don't think the arms move... I'm just trying to take it all in now.
Happy Monday! I had the day off today, which was refreshing after an unusually busy weekend. Most of my day was spent cleaning (prep for Christmas!) and shopping. I got GREAT deals tonight, including a new set of sheets for my bed, a Madeleines pan (I just saw a chef use one to make Madeleines on Food Network, and I HAD to have one), a new EOS lip balm (I am addicted), new mascara, a new Food Network roaster for Mother for Thanksgiving, and Taylor Swift's new album (go ahead, judge). As I remarked to Mother, I haven't bought a new CD for myself in a long time, so it's nice to be able to listen to new music and not buy CDs track by track via iTunes.
I'll start with the Planksgiving update. If you haven't read in my previous blog post, I am doing an exercise challenge this month called "Planksgiving". Basically, I hold planks for a certain amount of time each day. It started at 30 secs on November 1, and by November 30, I will be up to 3 minutes. I just finished today's plank, which was actually yesterday's, since I had to play catch-up. Today was supposed to be a rest day, but oh well. I've gotten up to 50 seconds, and brutal merciful gracious it hurts. But don't worry...tomorrow I get to look forward to a 1-minute plank! *sarcasm*
Looking back at past blog posts, I see that I have not updated my weight in some time. There is a good reason for that. Planet Fitness does not believe in putting scales in their gym (their whole "no gym-timidation" thing), which I totally understand and appreciate, but it also makes it hard for people (like me) who rely on a weight check at least once a month. And of course, my scale at home only goes to 395 pounds. Instead, I will have to rely on measurements, and soon those will be on my blog.
Lastly, time for motivation:
~~Love your body and the weight will take care of itself~~
What a weird/rough/good/disappointing/happy week. This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions, some good and some bad. I'll start with the bad (and get that out of the way):
1.) My sleep schedule is off...WAY off. I've been sleeping night after night on the couch in our den, and that does not help. Here's how bad it's gotten. Two nights in a row now, I've woken up around 2:30-2:45, stayed up for an hour watching TV, and then finally drifted off to sleep. Last night was the worst. I fell asleep around 8:30 (the fact that I fall asleep really early like that doesn't help either). I woke up at 2:45 and stayed up until 4 a.m. I couldn't get to sleep, and it was for a terrible reason. I watched TV (anyone remember the Disney movie "Quints"?! It was on at 3:30!), but I turned it off around 3:45. I stayed up until 4 crying, literally sobbing quietly. I was reliving the day Uncle passed over and over in my head, thinking about everything I could have--no, should have--said that day. I should have done this, I should have said that. It was like I was trying to hurt myself again and again, but I couldn't stop these thoughts from creeping into my mind.
I'm finally going back up to my bed. Hopefully, these issues won't happen again.
2.) It's been an up and down week in terms of work. I worked three days and had two days off. The three days that I worked had their ups and downs.
3.) I swear it's not Sunday yet. It can't be. The weekend just started! (Get it? My weekend flew by.)
Now to the good (and I mean VERY good):
1.) I got to the gym today! For some reason, getting to the gym first thing on a Sunday morning makes my week (or at least my Sunday) get a good head start.
2.) For the first time in at least 10 years, I have cut my frozen drink consumption to 1 drink a week. I have NEVER been able to do that since I started drinking frozen drinks over 10 years ago. I couldn't believe it! That's gotta be sone willpower I have.
Now it's time for a new goal! I'm actually sticking with my goal from last week. I've heard that it takes 2 weeks for a habit to kick in, so I want this habit of one frozen drink a week to have time to set in.
My goal for this week: 1 frozen drink this week
Lesson learned from accomplishing this goal: I need to schedule my day and time to get my drink, like an appointment. Then, I truly look forward to it, and if it's not written in my schedule, I can't go get it.
Here's hoping that last blog post didn't scare you off. This should be a much happier post. I don't like posting negative things about my life because I am a pessimist by nature and I feel that talking/writing negatively really feeds that habit.
Happy November! Where did the time go? I can't believe that in two months, it will be 2015, and soon after New Years, I'll be 25! A quarter (of a century) old! I guess I can have a quarter-life crisis now, right?
Speaking of a NEW month and a NEW year, I have joined a NEW gym in town called Planet Fitness. You might have heard of this from numerous TV ads ("judgement free zone" or from the TV show "The Biggest Loser". I don't watch the show that often (except for this year...have you SEEN Jessie?!! Yum), but I noticed that all of their gym equipment is purple (my favorite color). Then talks of this Planet Fitness (PF) kept swirling around town, and finally one opened seven minutes away. PF had a great opening month deal and I grabbed it as soon as I could. The parents also joined and now we go together (at least Mother and I do).
As for the title of this blog...well...I can explain.
I love a challenge. I've always been that way, and I don't know why, but I love proving people wrong. I found that out during my freshman year of college.
Every spring at UC, the piano department has a "board", or a test, to determine your abilities and to evaluate any progress made. You must memorize 30 minutes of music and perform it in a concert hall while the piano professors listen and take notes. If you succeed, you continue on; if not, you are out of the program and must re-audition in the fall to be accepted into CCM.
Practice is obviously important to memorize 30 minutes of music, but here's the thing. I don't practice. That's just not me. I am not one to sit at a piano and play for hours. I would practice approximately 5 minutes a day, at the most. It was the same thing in high school as well.
One day, I was practicing my board pieces in front of my piano professor, and he stopped me so we could talk. He asked me how much time weekly I devote to practicing, and I was honest. He told me he was disappointed that I didn't put in more of an effort to practice, especially if I wanted to be there so badly. He then said that he thought, judging by the way I played then, that I would not pass the board, and that I would have to re-audition in the fall for the piano program.
Hearing that was a major blow to my confidence. I knew I wasn't good, but not good enough to stay in the program? I had finally made it into my dream school, and now I would be out in one year? It couldn't happen.
I called my parents and I went home for the weekend. I practiced 6 hours Saturday, 6 hours Sunday, drove back, and practiced 2 hours Monday morning. Then it was board time.
I BLEW AWAY the piano professors (especially mine). They couldn't believe how much I had improved in one year. My professor came up to me afterwards and said that he didn't know what I did, but I had proven him wrong and he was glad.
That moment felt GREAT. Someone had given me a challenge, and I had not only completed it, but I had knocked it out of the ballpark. From then on, I loved getting challenges.
It just made sense to apply this to exercise, so for the month of November, I am doing the Happy "Planks-giving" challenge, in which I have to hold a plank for a certain amount of time each day. Yesterday was 20 secs and it was already a doozy, but I did it! Today is 30 secs, and by the end of the month, I will be holding planks for 3 minutes.
Wish me luck and Happy November!
DISCLAIMER: I am NOT "planking". Google it if you're not sure, but I am NOT planking. No sir.
I've been dreading writing this. Truly DREADING. It's been a long time coming, and I'm really just dragging this out now.
Here we go. Brace yourselves, this might be a bit long.
My uncle (Father's younger brother by 1 year) passed August 31. It was to be expected, because in early February, he was diagnosed with Stage 3 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Stage 3...out of 4. The family knew it would eventually happen. I was there (in the care center) the day he passed, and I must say, Mother is a genius. She honestly is. She warned me, as did Father, that death is scary to see and is painful to watch. But no, me and my stubbornness. I did not get to say good-bye to my aunt (Father's youngest sister) ten years ago, and I told my parents: I WILL be there to say good-bye. We've become so close to Uncle lately.
Uncle's actual passing was so painful, so sudden, and so fast, I did not have time to process it. Mother and I went to fetch Brother (Uncle's godson), but couldn't make it in time to get him back to say good-bye.
I could not bring myself to say good-bye to Uncle. Not at the Hospice center, not while we waited for the family to arrive, not at his wake, not until the END of his private funeral, when I finally whisper-sobbed good-bye.
After that, we cleaned out his house and other areas until we could no more. We had one month to do it, and Mother, Father, and I pulled it off.
With Uncle's passing, I feel like life has been thrown off balance, and now, I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. Parts of my life have fallen, like my diet and, ya know, ME. I've really let myself go. I devoted all my time to helping my parents in any way I could that I forgot to take care of me. My sugar intake rose and I started relying heavily on pop to get my through rough days. I've wanted to take a day off to grieve, truly grieve, where there is nothing to do and no one to talk to. Uncle's death has not really sunk in yet. But I know I can't be selfish, so I just keep on keeping on.
Other parts of my life have started to "get their act together", though. I quit Anytime Fitness and joined the new Planet Fitness in my hometown, and I have started eating healthy breakfasts, which is great--it starts my morning off right.
I'm trying to think positive thoughts. I'm (desperately) trying to see signs of Uncle. The day after he passed, I saw a rainbow and thought of him. A few weeks ago, Father and I were talking about him and how sad life is without him and I looked up to see clouds covering the sky except for one patch--in the shape of a heart. His things pop up constantly in his stuff that we have at our house. We think we clean it all out and then we find new things again. Lastly, THE BROWNS. What more can I say? Uncle always wanted to live to see them go to the SuperBowl. They've been crappy every year until THE YEAR HE DIES?! I know he's up there doing something.
The family is really looking forward to our annual Black Friday weekend trip to Frankenmuth, MI, and more than ever this year we feel we NEED it. I am a year-round Christmas junkie (as in, listen to and play X-mas music year round, want X-mas decorations up all year, etc...), but finally, other members are joining in on the Christmas spirit early because we need some joy in our lives. I'm so ready.
Speaking of vacation, I'm so excited for Halloween because after Father's appointment, he and I are heading down to Columbus to check out old abandoned Civil War military buildings! Creepy cool! It's our 2nd annual "ghost" road trip, and I'm so pumped. Here's hoping I get good pics.
That is about all. I hope, now that life is slowly gaining normalcy, that I will be back on here regularly. I'll keep you updated on posts.
Wow. SO many things have been happening in my life lately that blogging has been pushed to a back burner. But I have recently had a breakthrough that will impact my future in a positive manner, and I HAD to talk about it.
My last blog post was about how I wanted to cut back on mochas--starting at 7 (one a day) and working down to 6. Eventually, after 2 months, I would be down to one mocha a week. That never happens. I have had this goal for...I would guesstimate a year and a half now...and it NEVER works. One week might be rough, and I feel the need to have a frozen mocha everyday. And BAM. Like that, I am back to square one, working from 7 mochas to 6, to 5, etc...
I have now been working at Panera for 2 months, and I find that, on the days when I work, I never get a frozen mocha. Frozen mochas are now something I savor for a long period of time. It can take me 30 minutes or 3 hours to completely finish a frozen mocha. At work, I have a 30 minute lunch break, which includes time to order, wait for food and/or drink, sit down, and eat.
Last Saturday, I was thinking about health problems I've been having lately, and why I'm having them. I won't go into detail, but let me just say...every day (it seems), I feel like I ate/drank too much dairy and am lactose-intolerant and didn't take a lactaid pill to help with the side effects......
I go to the restroom a lot. There.
This is nearly everyday. ESPECIALLY during rough weeks when I'm having a frozen mocha everyday. ESPECIALLY on days when I have frozen moch--CLICK.
See the connection? No? Me either, at least not for MANY years.
Have frozen mocha=YUM= sick later
Not have frozen mocha= :( = NOT sick later
Ahha! The frozen mochas are making me sick--literally!
Words cannot express how truly HAPPY I was when I realized that there is a way to stop my constant sickness. I had one more Sunday morning (goodbye frozen mochas!) and got really sick...
End result? I've stopped drinking frozen mochas for good. What will I replace it with? Today, I tried the Starbucks Mocha Cookie Crumble Frapp (deelish), and I don't see any signs of sickness. I'm not a HUGE fan of Frapps, so I don't know how often I will go there for one, but if I feel the urge, once a week wouldn't be bad. I heard that Starbucks came out with a lemonade (???), and I want to try that, too.
Other than that, summer going...ok...lots of applications filled out, one job declined, one job INTERVIEW COMING THURSDAY (just got the call today!!!!!!!), and more hopefully afterwards.
What drinks would you suggest to substitute for a frozen mocha?
Time for New Goal Sunday, where I choose goals to work on in the week ahead (Sunday-Saturday).
This week's goals:
1.) Give up one fast-food meal and frozen mocha per week.
Start: 7 fast-food meals and frozen mochas per week (1 every day)
Goal: 6 fast-food meals and frozen mochas per week
2.) Take 2-3 minutes to record what I eat after each meal.
I have slipped on both of these goals and hopefully can get back on track. Working at the place where I get my favorite drink--a frozen mocha--is going to be quite a challenge!
