Happy Sunday! My new goal for this week is a common one for me, but one I’m struggling with big time:
5 frozen mochas/week
I thought I would be down to 6 this week, but turns out I was actually able to skip one day last week, so I’m down to 5—not 6—this week. These stupid drinks. They won’t let me go, and I can’t escape them. Mentally, I use them as a reward for…well…everything. Did I have a successful week of work? Frappucino. Did I teach well today? Frozen mocha. Do I have a long distance to travel? Frappucino. Did I wake up and get something done this morning? Frozen mocha. Is it Monday? I need a frappucino. Did I wake up? Frozen mocha.
Physically, I feel like I’ve trained my body to feel drained of energy if I don’t have one. On the day last week that I didn’t have one, I was too busy in the morning to grab one, but keeping myself busy was key. I didn’t feel drained of energy, but was active all morning. Imagine that…active without my morning gallon of sugar/caffeine? Couldn’t be.
Sometimes, I can even get emotional over these drinks. My dad tries to help, but I will get emotional, getting a little teary-eyed if he says no. I then explain to him just how much I need these drinks.
I’ve been getting these drinks for well over a decade, and I’m sick of feeling dependent on them. Hopefully, holding myself more accountable by being more social and open about my daily life will force me to completely cut my dependence on these.
I plan on being more active on this blog, I really do.
My new schedule is as follows:
Sunday--new goal, once/month update on first Sunday
Monday--Music Monday
Wednesday--Weigh-in Wednesday
Friday--Foodie Friday
This year is all about me. And I know I've said that before, but it really is time. 2019 began as what I thought would be a year to focus on my health, but turned into me putting myself on the back burner, ignoring my health (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), and giving more of myself to others than to me. I went through many emotional breakdowns, my anxiety/panic attacks have returned, and I'm angry.
Angry at losing my mom, angry at where I am in life, angry that my dreams can't come true. Angry that a few in my life don't see my dreams and goals as valid and instead shut me down.
But mostly, angry at myself. Angry that even at 29 years old, I don't care enough for myself to say, "I have to take some time for ME." Angry that I still blame myself for my mother's passing. Angry at everything I've messed up in my life.
This year has to be different. I'm turning 30 (YIKES), and I have to get my life in order. I need to keep living. I need to fight for myself. There's no more, "Oh, I can put it off for a while." My health has taken such a negative turn that there is no more waiting available.
I'll start off this blog schedule Sunday. Until then, I'm going to go jam to Lizzo. Tata.
I had wanted to post this Sunday morning, but I didn't sleep well and was driving for 3+ hours to visit friends for New Year, so I haven't gotten a chance to post until today, but this is an exciting one!
Happy New Year, y’all!
Last week, I wrote a post about how these stupid frozen drinks have a mental/emotional hold on me.
Fast forward 7 days and guess what?!?!?!
I DID IT!!
I FINALLY had ONE DRINK this week! That’s it!
I’ll be completely honest…everyday was a struggle. Whether it was walking by a Starbucks in the grocery store thinking, “I need a peppermint mocha frappucino” or going to a bagel shop that was close to our local Panera and thinking, “I’ll just go afterwards to Panera for a frozen mocha…”
I had more hot chocolates this week to cover for it (2), and I know those aren’t really “healthy”, but the sugar/cal count vs. the frozen drinks completely makes up for it (at least in my mind). I also actually drank some water during the days, too—which is another goal I will be working on soon.
It feels so good, and I’ve already noticed a difference!
I’m not talking in terms of weight, inches, or even large physical differences; think…smaller.
I had the frozen drink Monday morning, and usually by Wednesday, I would have had one, then another Thursday-Saturday. I DIDN’T do that and randomly looked down at my legs Thursday morning.
**NOTE: Let me make this absolutely clear. I hate my legs with a burning passion. I hate looking at them, I hate knowing they’re there, I detest these ugly, misshapen blobs that make me move. I never moisturize them because, to be honest, I wish they’d just fall off. **
For some reason after getting ready Thursday morning, I looked down at those gross things attached to my body and instantly noticed a small difference. My legs (mostly ankles/calf part of the leg) are always swollen because of my weight, and over the years, I’ve gotten used to it but haven’t let it deter me. When I looked down, I looked at my calves, looked up in surprise, and looked back down.
My calves didn’t look as swollen as they usually do. I looked a total of 3 times to make sure I wasn’t just being extra hopeful. But no, each time proved what I had originally seen. My swollen legs were finally starting to slowly return to a more normal leg shape.
Another new "feeling": my pants are getting big in the back. I am down about half a pant size in "comfy" pants (these are just black pants with an elastic waistband). I used to be a 4X, but they are getting really big in the back and keep falling down, so I am down to a 3X with a little snugness in the front.
So, yeah, lesson learned: taking care of yourself makes you feel GOOD.
New goal?!?!?!!? Finally?!?!?! YES.
Since my previous goal was more of a dietary change, this week, I’m adding in a little exercise.
Goal of the week 12/31/17-1/6/18:
get to gym 1 day/wk
You might think…1 day this week? That’s all? Well, here’s the deal: I know. I think about it everyday. I’m taking ridiculously small baby steps that shouldn’t really account for anything. But here’s why I’m doing what I’m doing.
I have talked to many doctors about weight loss. While I haven’t told them that I write about my experience traveling through this, I have talked about nearly EVERY aspect of my weight loss journey with them. I’m not shy when it comes to questions. I’ve learned over the years (especially recently) that asking questions, no matter how embarrassing, stupid, or repetitive they are, is the best way for me to get the most out of each doctor visit. So, yes, I’ve talked to professionals who know what they’re doing. The doctors I visit are:
General Practitioner
OB-GYN
Diabetes Management Specialist
Cardiologist
4 separate doctors, all who have discussed how to go about losing weight. All of them agree—starting small is best.
So, yes, one workout this week, along with one frozen drink this week. Doesn’t seem like much, but one is better than nothing!
Holy moly, guys. I haven't blogged in 6 months. Why? Um....crazy busy schedules, 3 concerts in 2 days, 4 church services in 1 day, etc...and on top of all that, I couldn't get my blog to load...I couldn't get to the page I needed to post an actual blog! My computer just kept refreshing it quickly, but would never actually get the full page up so I could write a blog post. I don't know what's going on, but for some reason I was able to get around that and write this post. I'll keep trying to stop this problem. It's a new week, and so much has happened in the past 6 months that I WANT to update you with everything right now here in this post, but there's just so much. So, I will say this:
I did another musical!
I am slowly getting back into subbing!
I celebrated Mom's first anniversary of her passing!
I made plans to see friends! (p.s.: see you in less than a week, friends!)
I had 3 concerts in 2 days, but for one concert, I got to sit back and enjoy
I got sick (that's now)
I had a big health scare and am still struggling big-time with it
I think that about sums it up...I will go into detail in more blogs. So, new week, lots of new going-ons...lots of emotions on Mom's favorite holiday...LOTS OF STRESS...mostly unnecessary, some brought on by myself, most brought on by outside forces... It's a new week, and I have a recurring goal that I've been working on for many, MANY years. This one is pretty old (and EXTREMELY repetitive), but since I haven’t truly accomplished it yet, I’m sticking with it until I do.
1 frozen coffee drink
I just can’t seem to shake these dang frozen coffee drinks (frozen mochas, frappucinos). They are so good, and I have treated them as a reward for so long (years) that going without them almost feels like I’m punishing myself. Some mental blocks I'm discovering I have:
—I can’t go to Panera without almost ALWAYS getting a frozen mocha.
—I’ve only gone to a Starbucks and gotten a hot chocolate (or other NON-frozen coffee drink) only ONCE in the past few years…every other time, it’s a frozen coffee drink.
—When I know I can’t have a frozen coffee drink, I force myself to not leave the house…physically. I just sit there in the morning, waiting until at least 11, when I can go get a pop…
…..so…..see the problem? I’m having a really tough time mentally and emotionally getting rid of these hankerings.
But, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, right?
I had mine yesterday, so my next one won't be until next Sunday (I start my weeks on Sundays, and get one on the way to church when I go early to practice).
Also, I like giving a music/motivation Monday update...just music I like listening to, and a motivational quote to get me through the week!
Music: Um, it's the day after Christmas, but I DON'T CARE. I LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH I WANT IT EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR! AND....right on cue, a snow plow goes by.
One of my favorite Christmas songs, for the music AND the lyrics: Stevie Wonder's "What Christmas Means to Me"
On Mondays, I like to put up a motivating quote and music I like to listen to.
However, my music library, especially for my workout playlists, is super old, and I don't really listen to it anymore. My poor iPod sits in my desk drawer because I never listen to the music on it anymore!
Let's get to it.
Motivation:
~Today will never come again. Be a blessing. Be a friend. Encourage someone. Take time to care. Let your words heal, and not wound.~
Music:
.....um.....any suggestions? Preferably for workout playlists?
I also thought I would put a quote about grief here, as sometimes, it's hard for me to explain how I'm feeling about losing my mom...
~A part of me is gone forever. A part of you will live forever inside of me.~
It's New Goal Sunday, and my new goal is…well…finally new!
I think I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY have this frozen coffee drink obsession under control. I’ve been struggling big time with this. Frozen coffee drinks (frappucinos, frozen mochas, etc…) are some of my “comfort foods” but these (and pop) are my biggest downfall for weight loss. After my mom passed, I would have one every day. As the months went on, I tried to cut back on them, but would always create an excuse every morning to drink one anyways. Here’s an example:
Sunday: I get one every Sunday…that’s my choice. I take it while I practice at church.
Monday: Okay, I don’t need one today. Although, it’s Monday…and I hate Mondays…so I’ll get one.
Tuesday: You know, I didn’t sleep well last night. Maybe a caffeine jolt would help me…time for a frozen coffee drink.
Wednesday: I’ve got to substitute teach today…I will DEFINITELY need a frozen drink.
Thursday: Maybe today I actually won’t get one (and I usually don’t).
Friday: I made it through the week and it’s Friday! I’m getting one!
Saturday: I’m going to go to church and practice…I’ll need one of those.
See what I mean? I could make up any excuse, and my poor willpower would vanish in a second.
But now I think I FINALLY have it under control. I go on Sundays and that’s it.
So, the NEW part of my goal is to get to the gym one time this week to do some cardio, which will most likely be the treadmill. If you’ve never seen me on the elliptical…well, it's bad. Let’s just say, I tried it once, and sweated my butt off until sweat was dripping off my nose and face. All I could think was, “You go, girl! Way to get a nice, long, cardio workout!” I looked down at the machine…5 MINUTES. That was it. It was so embarrassing…
This song came on the "70s on 7" radio station in my car. "70s on 7" was Mom's favorite station. When she was alive, and I would be driving alone, I would sometimes turn on that channel, just to remind me of her. We listened to the 70s station almost all the way to Chicago on our most recent road trip, and always listened to it on the way down to Cincinnati for our mom and daughter road trips. She would sing along with almost every song and dance to it.
A week ago, I turned on the station for the first time since Mom passed, and this song came on:
It was perfect that it was a rainy day, but it wasn't a Monday. The Carpenters were one of Mom's favorites. She knew the words to almost all of their songs, and had their music at home. Oddly enough, I think her favorite CD of theirs was their Christmas CD. It's such a classic in our house that the case is falling apart, and the inside pamphlet is missing.
I cried all the way home listening to it. I got home, sat in our driveway, and cried.
I cry a lot now. A lot more than I ever have. I surprise myself daily with just how many tears I can produce, even after days of crying.
I became curious recently and looked up the stages of grief. I saw that many articles were not about the stages themselves, but more that they were fictitious, and that the "creator" of them didn't mean for everyone to take them so literally. But I have to disagree.
The stages of grief are very real. I know. I'm experiencing them right now. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are all a part of my daily life.
In my previous post, I talked about the immediate emotions I had after the doctor told us the news. What I didn't discuss was what happened as the doctor came into the room.
The doctor walked into the room and sat opposite my dad. I sat on my dad's left, and Brother on Dad's right. When the doctor sat, he sighed. My instant reaction: ok. prepare for the worst. "we got her, but it's not good. she'll be a vegetable" (Mom NEVER wanted that--she was too social/active). The nurse, who had been with us from the beginning of the morning, and was so kind and instantly loved Mom as a patient, came in with tears streaming down her face. My second reaction: That's kind of weird. I've never seen nurses cry before over a patient. ER nurses have probably seen the worst. Unless she...
I swiftly covered my ears and loudly said, "No. No I don't want to hear it. Please. Don't say it. I can't. I just can't deal with it. No!" The doctor waited patiently for me, and then broke the news.
Denial. In its ugliest form. I look back at that and feel so sorry for the doctor, who had a grown adult woman screaming in his ear.
Anger. I am still in that stage. Everyday, I talk to God. No, I'm sorry...I don't talk to God. I yell at him. I spew out harsh words in my head, all aimed right at Him.
Why would you do this?
What the he** is wrong with you?
Is killing people something you like to do?
Do you enjoy seeing me cry so much? Seeing me so broken?
Every time one of Dad's siblings died, I saw a piece of his heart break. Now, his father dies, and a larger piece of his heart breaks. Granddad was so important to Dad. Then, you kill his wife. His soul mate. Now his heart is completely shattered. Do you enjoy this, God? Are you happy? Does this make you feel good, like you're in charge, and people better not forget it? So you'll show us by killing off our family members?
Does it feel good, pushing already religious people to the brink, to where they wish they could be dead so they could be with their loved ones?
He never answers. And He never will, until I get up there. I had a terrible dream where I reached Heaven, and I was walking with God to the pearly gates, and I finally said, "Why?" His response: *shrugs* "I don't know..." *facepalm*
Depression. Hard to get to or out of that stage, especially when you have already been diagnosed with depression and are taking medications for it...
Bargaining. I have sort of gone through this, and sort of not. I don't bargain for Mom's life. I know she's not coming back. I do wish I would have passed instead of her, as she had her whole retirement and golden years ahead of her to spend with Dad. I know Dad goes through this daily: "Maybe if I had been more affectionate or loving, God would have spared her." It hurts because I want to help him, but I'm angry with God, so my only response is, "God doesn't care anymore. He does whatever He wants, and doesn't care of the consequences." And then Dad is more depressed.
Acceptance. I refuse it. I REFUSE to accept her death right now. She was young, compassionate, extremely intelligent, funny, loving, warm, gracious, and above all, lived a religious life with HUMILITY. One of the most recent Bible readings was about an "eye for an eye". The passage states that if any should strike you on the right cheek, turn and present the other, or don't let someone goad you into an event that could become evil in nature. Mom was a living example of that--people talked bad about her (and to her) all the time. I know. I have heard much of it. And do you know what Mom did? She told me that it was more important to just let others talk and to not argue or fight with them because that would accomplish nothing and make both involved have a bad day. She didn't like holding grudges, because "...why hold grudges with others when I am so happy being with my family?"
So why does God think it's ok to take someone who follows in Jesus' path?
Anger. So much anger. And I apologize for this post being mostly anger, but it's just the way I feel now.
